he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
