Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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