since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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