I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
