Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
