I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
