I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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