He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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