Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
