I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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