hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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