i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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