im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
