I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
