I puked a lego.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I can't put those talents on a resume
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
