I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
