Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
