true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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