Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
