that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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