Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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