My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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