If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
