My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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