I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
