i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
