Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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