Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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