The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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