I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I deserve this hangover.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
