My sheets look like a crime scene.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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