i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
