I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
