before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
