watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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