I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
