my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
