The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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