Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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