she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
