Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
