he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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