someone get that fucking seahorse.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
