I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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