Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
