You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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