Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
