There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
