Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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