Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
